Mother's Day is supposed to be a day to celebrate Mum and all that she does for you, but what if you don't have a mother to celebrate? Being a child, and especially a daughter and mother, without a strong mother figure is hard. I'm getting very real and raw here but feel that I cannot be the only one out there in this situation.

Not everyone is lucky enough to be raised by at least one loving and caring parent. Some of us are born into situations that are far less than ideal. For many it is into a toxic environment that we then have to spend a good part of our adult lives trying to repair the trauma from. That's me, I'm that someone. I was born with a job, something that no child should ever be born with. My job? To be a source of energy to my mother and a tool she could use to manipulate others to suit her will. As I got older, and especially in my teen years that job became looking after all her needs, emotional and physical, which left no room for my needs to be looked after. Not long after I met my now husband she also informed me that it was my job to provide her with grandchildren, after all that was the main reason she had children, to have grandchildren who would worship her.

Many years ago I had enough of all the verbal abuse thrown at me when I stood up to her and make the hard decision to cut off contact with her. My health, both mental and physical, was suffering and as such my children were suffering. I did not want the cycle to continue, I wanted more for my children. Not speaking to your parent though is a very taboo subject, even in the presence of abuse. Days like Mother's Day often only serve to continue this with the idea that we should be grateful to our mothers simply because they gave birth to use. Giving birth does not make someone a mother. There is much more to being a mother than giving birth. As a mother we make sacrifices for our children, we make choices and decisions that have our children's best interests in mind and we know that they have no say in being born and should not be used as a way to make us feel better.

If you are like me, and do not fit into the stereotypes that are perpetuated by Mother's Day please know you are not alone. You might be childless, either by choice or by circumstance, you might have lost a caring much loved mother, you might have lost a child, your children might be your furbabies, you might be a mother figure to others. Whoever you are, you deserve recognition for who are you, not matter what you have come from.

My eldest, let’s call her Bubble, is almost 14. I always thought she’d be a mini-me. She is sometimes, most of the time though she’s a mini female version of her father. She’s smart, funny and a little bit weird. She is a full-on extrovert. Oh boy do I mean full-on. She needs other people around her. All. The. Time. Covid-19 restrictions have been super fun with her unable to see her friends as much as she needs to. She is also very much a typical teenager. You know the type. Phone in her hand all the time, moody at times, thinks her room isn’t messy and wonders why I care if it is or not. She is also incredibly responsible and mature for her age. I know I can count on her to do what she is asked to do, most of the time anyways. I think as apart of being an extrovert she makes new friends very easily. Her favourite thing over the last few years has been going on family holiday cruises. There she gets to hang out at teens club with kids her own age and not see her parents and family expect at breakfast and dinner. She is also a very talented artist (my logo for example… all her!). She is going to do amazing things with her life and I’m loving seeing her grow into a confident woman.

Our second born baby is hard for me to write about, especially at this time of the year. His name is Zachary and he came along 18 months after Bubble. A boy and a girl. I thought I was going to be living a dream, but oh how quickly that dream turned into a nightmare. During my routine 20 week ultrasound it was discovered that Zac had a congenial heart defect. Many congenital heart defects aren’t always serious. These kids can live a relatively normal life with little to no medical intervention. Then there are other defects which do require a small degree of medical intervention. The final category, I guess, is those that require medical intervention upon birth. Essentially intervention is required in order for that child to live, and their life may still be shortened and full of medical interventions. This was the category we fell into. Zac required open heart surgery at five days old, further surgery at 14 days old and another open heart surgery at 8 weeks old. We struggled as a family, and as parents. Zac fought hard. So so hard, but his little heart gave out at 4 months old. We faced something that no parent should ever have to face but sadly many do.

My third and final small human came along 18 months after Zac was born (3 years and 8 days after Bubble actually!). Gremlin is our rainbow baby and my mini-me. Most of the time anyways. Sometimes though her father sneaks in there. She is a happy and very bubble nearly 11 year old who loves Calisthenics, Football and her friends. She is far more of an introvert than her sister and is happy to spend time on her own. She loves all things girls. Rainbows, unicorns, glitter and the colour pink. While she may at time trip up the stairs and I spent a decent amount of time in her first year of school getting calls about head injuries; including one where she walked into a pole because she just wasn’t looking where she was going, she is oddly great at kicking a football and a natural on roller blades. I think when she grows up she’s either going to be a vet, which is what she says she wants to be when asked, or a travel agent. She is amazing at researching holidays and activities to on holidays as well as how to get to the destination. It’s a talent I wasn’t sure even really existed naturally until she showed it. She really put the light back into our lives after we lost her brother.

There they are. My three little reasons for doing what I do.