I have been having the oddest feeling of late. It's almost like deja vu, but it isn't. I first noticed it about two weeks ago. It was like a cloud sitting above me, and I was just waiting for the rain to start to fall down on me and soak me to the bone. It wasn't until late last week that I had my light bulb moment about it. It was this time last year that we were watching Covid begin to increase in Europe sharply. Within weeks, it was increasing here too and the kids ended term 1 a week early. Within the next few days all other activities ceased and we began what would be our first lockdown. That feeling I'd been having. It was fear. Fear of repeating last year. Sure our numbers are far better now, and the vaccine is being rolled out bringing hope and a light at the end of the tunnel but we also know just how quickly this can all turn around.
Look at last month here in Melbourne for example. On the Monday everything was golden, Tuesday we had a case and by Friday we were headed into a snap 5 day lockdown. My fear was probably increased by this and having the youngest child's school camp be cancelled at the last minute because of this. I have a huge personal milestone happening next week and I think some of that fear is related to that. I am scared that between now and then it will all be cancelled. It's already been delayed for 12 months because of Covid. Last year was a year filled with cancelled school activities, cancelled after school activities, cancelled holidays and cancelled outings. Making plans is now tinged with a small amount of fear that we won't be able to follow through with the plans and will wind up binge watching TV, and probably binge eating and/or drinking while doing so.
Now when I do manage to follow through with plans it's with great delight. And of late I've had a lot of plans I've followed through with. So many in fact that it is starting to wear me out. I won't stop or slow down though. I can't. I need to keep my social bucket full to overflowing. I'm too scared to let it start to empty and I don't get a chance to fill it back up. I'm far more introverted than extroverted so I don't need much but even I struggled last year with only really having interaction with household members for months on end. I can only just imagine how hard it was for people who get their energy from being out and about.
For now I will just have to live with this fear. As time goes on and I am able to follow through with more and more plans I'm hoping that it will naturally disappear. Maintaining a good meditation routine is helping somewhat as is reminding myself that like all things, this too shall pass. If you are feeling the same as I am, you are not alone in your fears. The world has spent the last twelve months going through a collective trauma. We will carry this for years to come. In years to come it will be something that is taught to kids in history, but for now we are living it each and every day.