It's time to have a difficult conversation.
Let’s talk about talking. Specifically, the words we use when we speak to others and how we communicate our thoughts and feelings. I know I am just as guilty as others with not using the most compassionate language. Too often we tend to speak without really thinking about the impact our words may have on other people. We listen to others, not to hear them but to respond to them. In doing that we not only miss the more subtle things being said, but we also don’t take the time to acknowledge the power that words can have.
I personally think that one of the biggest reasons we do this is due to the increased use of the written word. Tone cannot be conveyed when we type. Those other subtle things we do when we use our voice such as volume and speed can also not be conveyed when we type. As such our communications are becoming more and more about just the words that we use and less about what we are actually saying.
In order to better our communication skills we need to do a few things. Some are easy and many of us already do them in some ways. First of all we need to focus on the person we are talking to. We love to talk about ourselves, but we need to allow for space for others to share about themselves as well. This is the key to getting to know another person on a deeper level. Secondly, when we listen we should do so attentively. This includes making eye contact and not being distracted by other things. As a parent this one can be hard. Over the last almost 14 years I have had to learn how to have a conversation with a person while keeping an eye or an ear on my children. We can however limit distractions as much as possible. The biggest culprit is usually looking at your phone while talking to someone. Whatever it is you’re looking at, it can wait. Right now the person you are talking to should be the most important thing.
Thirdly, we should not rush to respond. It is ok to ask for clarification of what has just been said. This allows us to gain a deeper understand of what is being said to us. It is also ok to take a pause before responding. If you feel you need more time to formulate a response, then it is best to say so. This may also allow for space for greater understand and further clarification of what has been said. Conversations won’t always go the way you would like, and it’s important to not take this personally. We all have our own needs and desires and they will not always match up to the person with who you are speaking. In conjunction with this, try best to avoid assumptions. We all have a lot going on in our lives, much of which we do not share with others. This can influence how we might behave in a conversation. People generally have their reasons for responding or reacting in a certain way, and it may not always have to do with you personally. There may be more going on in their lives than you are aware of.
Above all else we should seek to be ourselves when we communicate. Be true to your own values and beliefs while still maintaining respect for those you are communicating with. If you are not sincere in what you say, don’t say it. This probably pertains mostly to making promises we have no intention of keeping. If you have no intention on following through, then don’t promise it. It is far better, and more compassionate, to tell someone you can’t do something than to tell them you can when you have zero intention of doing it. We often say we’ll do something for fear of hurting the other person’s feelings, but in the end it is less hurtful to be truthful. For the most part, people are very understanding when we say we can’t do something.
When we really listen to others, we can really enhance our communication. When we take the time to really think about our response and response in a helpful and compassionate way we can help to shape better and deeper communications with others. Mindfulness is a great tool that can help us to listen better and to speak with more compassion. As a meditation and mindfulness teacher as well as a counsellor, I have developed tools to assist you in listening and communicating with others including ways to better navigate challenging conversations. You can book a session with me to discuss this by clicking the book now button below.